This story contains sexual content, violence, coarse language and consumption of alcohol it is rated R and 18+
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Lashing out (Beth & Sean)
I was finally able to drown my turmoil laden brain in a steamy little book. Everyone was busy doing something back at the cabin, but I wanted noting to do with any of it. Mostly I was avoiding Sean since I sneaked out earlier.
“Hey, Beth. Delivery for you.”
I looked up from my book to see Louie set a chair down beside mine on the dock. He handed me a plate of breakfast.
“Thank you.” I took the plate grateful for his thoughtfulness and set my book down. “You’re up early.”
“It was a noisy night.” Louie said with a steady tone.
I held my breath. He had to mean the thunderstorm. He did not mean what I feared he meant.
“I couldn’t sleep after I banged my foot. I was too jumpy from the thunder. I’ve never slept in a tent in a storm before. It’s too scary.”
“Bet you wish you’d braved the spiders huh?”
“Yeah.” I shoved a breakfast sausage in my mouth and took a delectable bite.
“I heard a muffled scream.” He said not even looking at me.
“Foot,” I mumbled with a mouth full.
“Now you’re stuff is in the living room?”
I shrugged. “I can’t sleep well and toss and turn a lot and disturb him. It’s not fair to Sean just as it wasn’t to Annie.”
That was an I-don’t-believe-you hmm and my worst fears bubbled to the surface.
“Did the two of you rehearse that excuse? Because Sean said he was going to move out because you disturb him. His exact words were ‘she disturbs me’.”
“Foot.” I said maintaining my excuse.
Although I think that I disturb him in a more private way than not sleeping well from pain.
Louie shrugged. “Tears of pain or a broken heart?”
I closed my eyes. Now was not the time to cry. Since a broken heart hurt, I wasn’t lying. “Pain.”
Louie looked at me hard and pursed his lips. He stood and kissed the top of my head. “In all the years I’ve known you Beth, you’ve never lied to me. Not even once. I’ve always counted on your Disney-Princess honesty. I can honestly say I don’t like it. I get why, but it’s not the Beth I know.”
“What do you want me to say, Louie?” I sniffled as he sat back down staring hard at me. “I’m so embarrassed I don’t even know what to say to myself. I’ve never been so humiliated and I brought it all on myself.”
“I doubt very much it was all your doing. Did he take advantage of you?”
“Come on Beth you’re emotionally off kilter and dazed from the meds.”
“True but I’m not that pathetic.”
“Yes but you also had a crush on him and he knew it.”
I looked hard at Louie. “Like when did he know it?”
“He said something yesterday before we found you sitting in the rain like a space cadet.”
I nodded. I was able to latch on to that tidbit and nurse it with anger.
“Now you look angry.”
“I am. I’m a fool Louie and I assume everyone knows?”
“Not specifically. I’m not a gossip, but they’ll figure it out, Beth. You’re not exactly good at hiding your thoughts or emotions.” He stood again. “I’ll round everyone up for a hike and have Gemma and Thane pack food and the fishing gear. I’ll tell everyone you just need some space. I’ll hint at the foot and they’ll leave you alone.”
That meant an all day hike. He was giving me time to adjust and not freak out or give myself away. As for everyone leaving me alone. It’s not likely.
He squeezed my shoulder and kissed the top of my head again. “We’ve all been there Beth.”
Louie sighed. “Aside from the fact he’s a bit mean to you, is he really worth feeling disgraced over?”
I chewed on that and my cold breakfast as Louie walked away. “No,” I said to myself, sniffled and hoped nobody else would wander over to have a chat.
I heard footsteps behind me and refused to turn around. I just want to be alone.
“Louie just shot me an undeniable look of contempt. What did you say to him?”
I didn’t even bother looking at Sean. I couldn’t. I don’t know where my fury was coming from, I suppose it’s all part and parcel of being a fool and letting your heart get broken by a first class asshole.
“I didn’t say anything to him; he heard us.”
“Yeah oh. Go away.”
“I can’t believe how wrong I was about you, Beth.”
“I’m completely confused by that statement and horribly ashamed and humiliated right now so cut me some slack and be less fucking cryptic.”
Sean did not hide his anger well and spoke through clenched teeth. “You’ve had what, two fuck buddies before and there was that string of meaningless-sex-men, so why couldn’t you just…” He turned away from me with a growl. “Arrgh.”
“Just be a meaningless sex partner?” I wiped my face on my t-shirt. “I tried to. Do you think I’m happy about this? That I’m okay with liking you?” I took a moment to regain my control. “What’s your problem anyway? You get to just walk away. I’ll feel like crap for a while but I’ll get over my embarrassment and shame.”
He spun around clearly angry with me. “Shame and embarrassment? For which time? The first time, the second, or was it after you realized you had feelings for me beyond friendship? Or after that? Or the time after that?”
“Stop you ass…” I could think it, but I would never call him an asshole. “I’m ashamed that I didn’t walk away, I’m ashamed of how I feel and who I feel it for. I’m embarrassed that you know how I feel and that Louie heard us.”
“I see.” He rubbed his face.
“No, I don’t think you do. In fairness, I don’t expect you to either. I don’t need you to make me feel worse than I already do.”
“It’s not always just about you Beth. I hate that I was attracted to you all these years. I hate that I fantasized about being with you and I’m mortified that I couldn’t keep it in my pants in the first damned place. You act all high and mighty like you’re the better person and that I’m the embarrassment. Open your eyes, Beth. There was a reason I didn’t want anyone to know I was weak and slept with someone like you.”
He was nearly yelling and if I could have I would have run away; I did the next best thing..
“You’re an asshole.” I said as I moved to my feet.
I shoved him as hard as I could. I had the benefit of surprise and he tipped back with his arms flailing in comedic circles before he went down landing backward in the water. I sat back down staring away from him.
Sean came up sputtering and splashing. “You’re wrong Beth I’m not an asshole, but,” he pulled himself up the dock ladder, “I can be.” He spat the words at me and stormed down the dock with heavy feet and anger in his gait.
I was too angry to cry. I’ve never lashed out like that before. Maybe that’s what he intended to happen. To make me angry so I’d stop crying allowing us to move on and get back to our lives. And that might have worked except for the running footsteps coming up behind me. Son of a Bitch I just wanted to be alone.
To be continued…
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Next Chapter: Some Alone Time